little longings

Back rubs by daddy, talk to him as a buddy
Fighting with big bro oh! with what fun did we grow
Mommy's good food with all her pamperings
These are a few of my most missed things

Brahmin's bar idly & Dwarka's dose treat
DVG road jola, V Vpuram food street
Dinners at dhabas, those lovely evenings
These are a few of my most missed things

Driving around town, my mobile ever ringing
Shopping till dropping and not multiplying (by 30!)
Desi clothes, handicraft fairs, late nights and mornings
These are a few of my most missed things

My cosy room which I kept ever messy
Those carefree days with no responsibility
Dear family and friends and all those weddings
These are a few of my most missed things


Based on the song "My favourite things" from The Sound of Music.

the procedure

Call this a strange coincidence, Dad and I got operated around the same time, Jan 2004. Both were simple, one hour procedures.

I was wheeled to the 6th floor on a stretcher as a mute patient who could only see the ceiling. I could've walked it up myself, but they had their rules and all I could do was lie down and allow them to do what they had to. I don't remember a time when I felt more helpless! As i lay on the stretcher, it was probably my face that mirrored the tension welling up in me. A burly, sweet faced nurse put a green cap on my head, just like the ones they were all wearing, and said "Relax, you wont feel a thing". Now that's some assurance. I began to wonder if there were patients who 'felt a thing'. Soon after, a lady doctor began taking a brief history. "Have you undergone any surgeries? Any allergies?" I hoped her interrogation would continue for long and distract me from the thoughts of the impending operation. But this wasn't to be. The main surgeon, nearing 70, who is well respected and has heaps of experience beamed down at me and said "Let us start". My hands were sweating. I had cold feet. A little voice inside me was screaming "NO! Wait. Maybe I am not ready yet".

Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the OT and was placed on a narrow operating table. There was a plethora of wires all around my shoulders and head. There was not enough room on the table to place my hands. I was trying to squeeze my hands in when two armrests were brought closer to the table! Now, all that came to mind was the crucification of Christ and then I leaped to Dan Brown. I could see a dozen people in green overalls milling around me. I heard different voices telling me "Take it easy, it will be over in no time. It is only a small procedure". Well, it is definitely easy to say that when you are not the one on the table. And it was interesting to note how they call it – 'a procedure'! Even the chief surgeon said "Relax". Did I have a choice?

I caught a glimpse of the anaesthetist, upside down, as he was bending over me from the top of the table. I was happy to see his calm, cheerful face. He said "I will inject the anaesthesia and you will fall asleep soon. Ok?" I nodded as I saw him inject a cocktail of drugs. I panicked. I could still see the green people. Wasn't the drug working? Will I feel the pain while they operate? And then I remember blinking wildly. I was struggling to keep my eyelids open. I probably didn't want to sleep, lose control and not know what happened. The cheerful face bent over again to gently shut my eyes with a tap of his finger and then it was just dark.

I heard my name being yelled out. "Wake up. The procedure is over." I had been moved to the post-op ward. The voice said "Look who is next to you". Groggy eyed I turned to see daddy dearest on bed next to mine. "Hi daddy" I said meekly. He turned around and said "Oh! It is you!" A pleasant feeling of relief washed over me. The ordeal was as though over. I was delighted to be under his reassuring gaze. Nothing could go wrong now. He was there! He too had undergone a procedure and was in the post-op ward awaiting discharge.

"Good to see you dad" I said. "Not so good to see you in the hospital" he said. He was discharged a couple of hours later. I lay there for a few more hours. It was cold, I was sleepy but alert. I tried my best to sleep amidst the incessant chatter of the nurses and the noise of other patients being wheeled in and out. Later in the ward mum kept me company through the night.

I was happy to be sent home the next day. It was a whole new experience. Thankfully all at the hospital made it a good one.

SBS Insight

I wanted to title this blog as “Homosexuals and their children”. It would be quite an oxymoron, wouldn’t it?! Also felt it would attract unwanted attention in the cyber space and hence titled it after the TV show. SBS Insight is a talk show where controversial/debatable topics are talked about with a participative and representative audience...representative of the ‘for’ and ‘against’, of the government and of basically you and me.

This particular show with its oxymoronic proposal caught my attention. It talked about homosexuals’ right to adopt children and provide a nurturing and supportive environment for the kid’s growth being a same sex couple. It talked about the issue of human rights. The dignity and respect for individuals.

Coming from a country where the movie Fire caused an uproar and was condemned for portraying the lady protagonists as a couple, this show was a bit of an eye opener! You hear about homosexuals, you know about them, you might have even come across some of them at your workplace. Yet this show had some inputs which I hitherto was unaware of. Frankly, I don’t have any view on this issue. I refrain from making any judgments here as it doesn’t concern me as an individual. I just thought I’ll key in what people had to say in this open discussion on a rather revolutionary topic – which goes against the evolutionary principle that a set of parents constitutes a male and a female. A re-evolutionary concept shall we say?

So what happens is, the same sex couple seeks a donor. A male couple seeks a donor whose baby they can adopt. A female couple can do the same or seek a male donor who donates his sperms to one of the ladies who then bears the child and delivers it.

The issues discussed were plenty. Is this set up ideal for a child to grow up in? Is this in the child’s best interest as the child is not involved in the decision? In case of a medical emergency of a minor, the consent of the father and mother is vital. But in cases of two fathers or two mothers who is given the right to decide? How can this issue be legalized? But first, should it be legalized?

Aren’t we pushing the social tide? Aren’t we changing the norm of life? Isn’t a filial bond essential? Doesn’t having a biological set of parents in a sound marriage help in moulding a good citizen?

A homosexual thinker in the audience said the idea is outrageous. He said “I am gay but I would never do the mistake of adopting a baby. It is not the right thing to do”. A teenage girl who is brought by two mothers said “I don’t feel any different than the other girls of my age. I am proud to be the daughter of two mothers. I do have a special bond with my donor father”. A gay couple present with their infant said “The baby is the best thing to have happened to us. We will support it as any other parent would”.

They argued and raved and ranted while I sat there getting all mixed up and confused. Coming from India where homosexuals are numbered, the topic is a hush hush and where such couples adopting babies is an unheard of or an unimaginable prospect, this show was revealing. Or should I call it educative?

its all in the mind - or is it??

can i take my mind off my mind? i badly want to for a while. i know i sound weird here. allow me to explain. my mind gets restless every now and then. it thinks too much. it doesnt let me sleep some nights. its a buzzing bee. it thinks about anything and everything. it thinks about anyone and everyone. there is no pattern. over the last couple of months it has depressed me to an extent. i do my bit of counselling it and ravi adds in too. it all makes sense. all the advice sounds right. but the next instant, my mind is back to square one or shall i say maze one?!

i will let you in my mind for a while. this is dangerous, but i will risk it! basically it thinks about the day, about who said what, what i said, was what i said right, what should i do in life, why am i here, what it the purpose of it all...it thinks about the past, the present and the future. about meaningless trivia and about life's great truths. about people, comparing myself with others against all possible metrices. about my job or cooking or travelling or budgeting or the blogs unfinished. it thinks about the sad and hurtful moments and about the happy and blissful ones. you see - little things, big things, just about everything.

i am not in the "here and now". i dont have answers to most of the mind's questions. i am not able to live for the moment, relax, let my hair down and not think too much. i feel lost and a bit helpless at times. its not as serious as it may sound here. but its a nagging mind i have!

i know its all in the mind. rather, its all in me. but if feels good to blame something else or someone else, doesnt it? so i blame my mind. there might be answers in me. but i just dont know how to find it. its probably not an exaggeration to say i am not able to find myself.

have i done the right things thus far in life? am i on the right track now? what is expected? rather, what do i expect of life? what is the next step?

when in a group, i sometimes get carried away to a faraway land. this is minutes after exchanging pleasantries. i am not there with the people. and it probably shows. i find it hard to focus and keep engaging in conversations of little or no interest.

it hasnt been easy writing this. it might also be a depressing read. but i needed to vent. i needed to crib and cry. and isnt my blog the best place for my mind?! there is no escape. i have to find a way to mind my mind. there is no help in the self help books. i probably should give meditation/yoga a go.

am thinking: we can never see ourselves as others see us; even the mirror shows us in reverse -- PK Shaw

am thinking: for the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate, and very strong, O Krishna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind -- Sankhya Yoga, Chapter 6

am thinking, am thinking, am thinking....