What's in a name?
You have a name for 20 odd years. Then you marry. And then your name is supposed to change to include your husband’s name. I don’t understand this. Why should this be? Why should a Preeti Shenoy become Preeti Rao just because she marries an Arun Rao?? I just don’t get the logic. It reaches the heights when she is called Mrs. Arun Rao and as a couple they are addressed as Mr. & Mrs. Arun Rao. Whatever happened to Preeti? She is completely lost.
There are women, even some of my friends who are proud to get their husband’s name. Some are even eager to change their names soon after the wedding either because they don’t like their maiden names or for reasons best known to them. Each to her own. She should be able to do as she pleases. One should have a choice. The world shouldn’t dictate these terms. A girl can have either her dad’s name or her husband’s name…so much for choice!
They say you marry into a family and become a part of it. True. Isn’t it enough that your whole life changes? What is the need to change your name? Your name is your identity…the way you are known to the world. That is how you know yourself. You are first taught to say and spell your name correctly. It is very dear. The name is you!
Ms. changes to Mrs. But why? Wherever I go – say to visit the doctor or open a bank account, I am invariably asked…“Are you a Ms. or Mrs.?” I hate being asked this. I hate to answer “That would be Mrs. Thanks”. Aunties and uncles who ask my name don’t stop at that. “What is your husband’s name?” soon follows. And lo! My name gets married automatically.
‘Mrs’ to me conjures up the image of an old housewife with heaps of grandkids. It is archaic. I sound vintaged with a Mrs. prefixed to my name. How is it that a Mr. remains a Mr. all his life? And what happens to divorced/widowed women?
Why is the world so interested in knowing whether a lady is single or married? What difference does it make? How are the two titles perceived? Why make a fuss about it? I find this concept prehistoric. I am amazed at how universal this phenomenon is. Country, religion and language no bar - getting a married name and the title of Mrs. seem to be the norms all over the world. I have noticed that in the western world, the emphasis on the titles is more than what it is in India. They address you as a Mrs. Singh, Mrs. Scott or a Mrs. Moorthy. So long, farewell to Sunidhi, Sandra and Shuba.
Those who argue ‘For’ might raise the issue of kids. Kids get their fathers name. It is meant to be a family inheritance. So be it. Let men have the illusion that it is still a man’s world. It probably soothes their ego. If a mother retains her maiden name it is assumed that she is not married to the kid’s father. It becomes a de-facto relationship. People are very quick in making these brilliant deductions. The child may have to answer embarrassing questions at school and later.
Once on a domestic flight my husband and I were not given seats next to each other. We checked in together. I took the boarding passes and moved on never bothering to check the seat numbers. I couldn’t have been sillier. I went back to ask why and if the seats could be changed. The lady at the counter explained that it is so plainly because we didn’t have the same surnames. I thought she was simply outstanding. And of course the flight was full, she couldn’t make any changes. Also I heard from a friend that without the same surnames, you can’t redeem the flight mileage (loyalty reward) points.
Now I am faced with a great challenge - altering my name but not to the so called ‘married’ name. I HAVE to shorten my name. I never had a surname. My dad’s name was made to be the initial. I had to expand the initial for the sake of the passport and to have a surname. Here you just can’t survive without a surname. And if the surname is only 25 characters long, life is really simple! I am planning to just have my first name split into two to serve the surname purpose. I will be asked questions. I will be called adamant or different or pedantic. But I can’t have it any other way. I hope I’ll get through this now and forever.
It was of great solace when I was Googling the issue to find lots of women feel just the way I do. There are others who strongly resent the norm too. Some excerpts of what I got to read:
As a courtesy title Ms. serves exactly the same function that Mr. does for men, and like Mr. it may be used with a last name alone or with a full name. Furthermore, Ms. is correct regardless of a woman's marital status, thus relegating that information to the realm of private life, where many feel it belongs anyway.
Ms: Origin: 1952. Women finally got the vote in America in 1920, but that hardly marked the end of their battle for equal status and respect. There was the matter of title, for example. Men were addressed simply as Mr., but women were addressed as either Mrs. or Miss, depending on marital status. Reforming everyday language to eliminate sexism is not easy, but the case of Mrs. and Miss was helped by practical business considerations.
A suggestion to neutralize the distinction by using simply Ms. was well-received by businesses. In 1952 the National Office Management Association in a booklet titled The Simplified Letter recommended to its members, "Use the abbreviation Ms. for all women addressees. This modern style solves an age-old problem."
The new designation and its association with feminism were furthered by the founding of Ms. magazine in 1971. The form of address Ms. had both simplified matters of address by providing a neutral, practical title for women, equivalent to Mr. for men, and increased women's options: now a woman can use Mrs., Miss, or Ms. according to her own preference. Unlike the more traditional titles Miss and Mrs., it does not bear any reference to the woman's marital status, as Mr. does not for a man. The usage of Ms. was championed as non-sexist language beginning in the 1970s, especially in business usage, by those who argue that a woman's marital status is of no relevance in such a context. Starting in the 1970s, many women chose to be called Ms. for political reasons.
It is the title of preference of many ladies who feel they are not owned by a father and wish not to be owned by a husband. Most women style themselves either "Miss" or "Mrs". The title Mrs. though is still in common use, especially by women who have taken their husband's family name - the vast majority.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other word would smell as sweet." -- From Romeo and Juliet
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet meet and fall in love in Shakespeare's lyrical tale of "star-crossed" lovers. They are doomed from the start as members of two warring families. Here Juliet tells Romeo that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention, and that she loves the person who is called "Montague", not the Montague name and not the Montague family. Romeo, out of his passion for Juliet, rejects his family name and vows, as Juliet asks, to "deny (his) father" and instead be "new baptized" as Juliet's lover.
There are women, even some of my friends who are proud to get their husband’s name. Some are even eager to change their names soon after the wedding either because they don’t like their maiden names or for reasons best known to them. Each to her own. She should be able to do as she pleases. One should have a choice. The world shouldn’t dictate these terms. A girl can have either her dad’s name or her husband’s name…so much for choice!
They say you marry into a family and become a part of it. True. Isn’t it enough that your whole life changes? What is the need to change your name? Your name is your identity…the way you are known to the world. That is how you know yourself. You are first taught to say and spell your name correctly. It is very dear. The name is you!
Ms. changes to Mrs. But why? Wherever I go – say to visit the doctor or open a bank account, I am invariably asked…“Are you a Ms. or Mrs.?” I hate being asked this. I hate to answer “That would be Mrs. Thanks”. Aunties and uncles who ask my name don’t stop at that. “What is your husband’s name?” soon follows. And lo! My name gets married automatically.
‘Mrs’ to me conjures up the image of an old housewife with heaps of grandkids. It is archaic. I sound vintaged with a Mrs. prefixed to my name. How is it that a Mr. remains a Mr. all his life? And what happens to divorced/widowed women?
Why is the world so interested in knowing whether a lady is single or married? What difference does it make? How are the two titles perceived? Why make a fuss about it? I find this concept prehistoric. I am amazed at how universal this phenomenon is. Country, religion and language no bar - getting a married name and the title of Mrs. seem to be the norms all over the world. I have noticed that in the western world, the emphasis on the titles is more than what it is in India. They address you as a Mrs. Singh, Mrs. Scott or a Mrs. Moorthy. So long, farewell to Sunidhi, Sandra and Shuba.
Those who argue ‘For’ might raise the issue of kids. Kids get their fathers name. It is meant to be a family inheritance. So be it. Let men have the illusion that it is still a man’s world. It probably soothes their ego. If a mother retains her maiden name it is assumed that she is not married to the kid’s father. It becomes a de-facto relationship. People are very quick in making these brilliant deductions. The child may have to answer embarrassing questions at school and later.
Once on a domestic flight my husband and I were not given seats next to each other. We checked in together. I took the boarding passes and moved on never bothering to check the seat numbers. I couldn’t have been sillier. I went back to ask why and if the seats could be changed. The lady at the counter explained that it is so plainly because we didn’t have the same surnames. I thought she was simply outstanding. And of course the flight was full, she couldn’t make any changes. Also I heard from a friend that without the same surnames, you can’t redeem the flight mileage (loyalty reward) points.
Now I am faced with a great challenge - altering my name but not to the so called ‘married’ name. I HAVE to shorten my name. I never had a surname. My dad’s name was made to be the initial. I had to expand the initial for the sake of the passport and to have a surname. Here you just can’t survive without a surname. And if the surname is only 25 characters long, life is really simple! I am planning to just have my first name split into two to serve the surname purpose. I will be asked questions. I will be called adamant or different or pedantic. But I can’t have it any other way. I hope I’ll get through this now and forever.
It was of great solace when I was Googling the issue to find lots of women feel just the way I do. There are others who strongly resent the norm too. Some excerpts of what I got to read:
As a courtesy title Ms. serves exactly the same function that Mr. does for men, and like Mr. it may be used with a last name alone or with a full name. Furthermore, Ms. is correct regardless of a woman's marital status, thus relegating that information to the realm of private life, where many feel it belongs anyway.
Ms: Origin: 1952. Women finally got the vote in America in 1920, but that hardly marked the end of their battle for equal status and respect. There was the matter of title, for example. Men were addressed simply as Mr., but women were addressed as either Mrs. or Miss, depending on marital status. Reforming everyday language to eliminate sexism is not easy, but the case of Mrs. and Miss was helped by practical business considerations.
A suggestion to neutralize the distinction by using simply Ms. was well-received by businesses. In 1952 the National Office Management Association in a booklet titled The Simplified Letter recommended to its members, "Use the abbreviation Ms. for all women addressees. This modern style solves an age-old problem."
The new designation and its association with feminism were furthered by the founding of Ms. magazine in 1971. The form of address Ms. had both simplified matters of address by providing a neutral, practical title for women, equivalent to Mr. for men, and increased women's options: now a woman can use Mrs., Miss, or Ms. according to her own preference. Unlike the more traditional titles Miss and Mrs., it does not bear any reference to the woman's marital status, as Mr. does not for a man. The usage of Ms. was championed as non-sexist language beginning in the 1970s, especially in business usage, by those who argue that a woman's marital status is of no relevance in such a context. Starting in the 1970s, many women chose to be called Ms. for political reasons.
It is the title of preference of many ladies who feel they are not owned by a father and wish not to be owned by a husband. Most women style themselves either "Miss" or "Mrs". The title Mrs. though is still in common use, especially by women who have taken their husband's family name - the vast majority.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other word would smell as sweet." -- From Romeo and Juliet
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet meet and fall in love in Shakespeare's lyrical tale of "star-crossed" lovers. They are doomed from the start as members of two warring families. Here Juliet tells Romeo that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention, and that she loves the person who is called "Montague", not the Montague name and not the Montague family. Romeo, out of his passion for Juliet, rejects his family name and vows, as Juliet asks, to "deny (his) father" and instead be "new baptized" as Juliet's lover.
posted by Shubha @ 10:46 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
If it makes you feel better, in the investment banking world (and I can't comment about other industries), a woman is always address as Ms. - regardless of her marital status. It is a general rule that you never ask the lady what her marital status is - and women in turn ensure that they don't demand a Mrs when someone addresses them as Ms.
Echo ur sentiments completely...I don't remember this being a big issue when I was back home...My mother didn't change her name after marriage, nor do I know of any aunts or cousins who did...
But after coming here, I've realised there is simply no way around it...Even my Indian friends look at me strangely when I say my last name is my father's name and I only had an initial before I HAD to expand it for the passport...
I can't believe u had such an experience on the flight...That's outrageous!
As u say, each to her own...It is certainly irritating when others make u uncomfortable by their questions & comments...Do what u feel is right...Good luck and hope u can get it over with...
teshu>> thats good news. u might be talking abt the case in india, am not sure if thats followed worldwide...
soumya>> am not alone eh? glad that u can relate to my predicament. we never realised in those school days that having initials can be such a pain. thanx for the support, i need it, will update if i succeed in altering my name.
Shubha, I can relate to what you and Soum say. Mine too was an initial, only mine was not my father's name's initial, but my native place's. But when I got my passport itself, my native place became my last name.
But I never changed my name after marriage and don't plan to either. That plane incident you faced is outrageous. I've never had that problem after marriage. We have travelled in several different-airlines planes and have always been seated together.
And also if you do want to change your name, do you know how much of a hassle it is? It seems you need to advertise it on a newspaper and have so many legal formalities that you'd rather keep quiet than change it ;-) :-D.
It's worldwide and Indian investment banking industry is no different.
deepthi>> all of us with initials in place of surnames have a tough time. am ready for the hassle. will only be a newspaper advert & an affidavit. then of course a new passport. will be a great relief once its done.
teshu>> i wish all industries all over the world followed that. travel industry for sure doesnt coz just got my ticket to india & they wanted to know, my ticket says Mrs!
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